Did you feel isolated as a new mother? If the answer is yes then it’s not a surprise given that apparently over a quarter of all moms say they feel lonely after having a baby and embarking on parenthood. Amongst moms who have already been there, it’s well known that many women experience friendships falling away, difficulty in making new friends, and dislocation from families who live too far away to support them in their newfound role in parenthood, making their new role as a mom – a role which is already so challenging – that much harder. Typically, many new moms are reluctant to speak out about feeling isolated, trying to battle on with their loneliness until the dark days are done.
Had you ever thought that you would experience loneliness as a mother?
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I tried to prepare myself as much as possible for her arrival. I read book after book, digesting information about birth, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and routines. Then, six months into my pregnancy, it became apparent that I would have to go it alone – I was going to be facing motherhood alone. This fuelled me to try and prepare myself even more for what I anticipated would be a difficult journey. I wish someone told me about this type of loneliness. You have to face it everyday. No one to call to express my feelings. No one to reach over to give me a hug when I desperately need it.
Websites and health professionals counselled me on birthing, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, recovering from the birthing etc. Yet no one mentioned the issue that was going to affect me the most – loneliness.
What happened when motherhood arrived?
Before becoming a mother, I was working full time. I had a great social life, seeing my friends after work and at the weekends. Seeing my family every day. Going to church every other Sunday. This all changed in a heartbeat when my beautiful Rose arrived. Suddenly, I was alone with her all day. THEN BOOM, A PANDEMIC HITS THE WORLD! My family couldn't fly to come to see baby Rose or me. Now the pressure of raising a newborn in a pandemic hit was added on top of figuring out motherhood. I felt out of place and distanced.
It was very ironic that I was never alone for the first time in my adult life, yet I had never felt so lonely.
Can you try and put into words what that loneliness felt like?
What did you do to try to alleviate that loneliness? Did things change?
When my confidence was shot to pieces, I attended a few baby groups, but no one really spoke to me, and I gave up pretty quickly. Apart from my neighbors popping in now and then, I was very much alone. I started becoming accustomed to the isolation. It has been very difficult to explore since the pandemic took over our lives. I'm trying to be cautious with venturing out, so I have chosen to embody this loneliness.
What do you think could be done to help moms feel less lonely and isolated?
It would be amazing if doctors, midwives, and the media address loneliness and isolation with moms-to-be. Luckily, not all moms will experience these problems. But for those who do, it will surely help if they know what to expect and who can help.
What else do you think we, as a community of moms, could be doing to try and alleviate this upward trend?
Honestly, I would like more pregnant women to be aware of these issues. When I was pregnant, I received so much advice about feeding, weaning, routines, etc., but no one mentioned to me the fact that I might feel isolated and lonely. Had I realized this when I was pregnant, I would have made an effort to meet other parents than when I felt confident.
I also think we should encourage moms to speak up about how they feel and know where to look for support. There’s no shame in telling someone if you feel lonely – be it a health professional, family member, or friend.
